12 Things Men Secretly Believe About Pregnant Women

Men can be clueless when it comes to pregnant women. It’s just not something we have any first-hand knowledge of.Pregnancy is a second-hand, hold-your-purse type experience for even the most baby-friendly man.

Still, a few of us veteran dads have gleaned a few things over the years when it comes to pregnant women – how they tick, what to do around them and, mostly, what not to do.

Thepregnant woman can be a minefield of contradictions that only the most cautious male can negotiate without blowing himself to smithereens. Metaphorically of course. Though, I have heard stories.

Needless to say,these 12 beliefs when it comes to pregnant women are for male eyes only. Get caught with this by your partner and you are on your own, buddy:

1 - They be right – always: No, pregnant women are not always right, but if you value certain parts of your body unique to male anatomy, it’s usually best to agree with what she says.

Pregnancy can turn a petite 45-pound porcelain doll girl into a 70-pound hormone monster who has no problem ripping you a new one because you think that “iceberg lettuce is better than Romaine lettuce“. Even if she is the single most wrong person in the entire world at that point, it’s almost always best for you to say “Yes, dear, you are absolutely correct!” It will save your life every time, and will be a good habit to form for the rest of your marriage.

The culmination of all these pregnant women beliefs is this one undeniable truth. Once you assume the pregnant woman is always correct no matter what, your life will be much, much simpler. Gone is the need to debate or even question anything. You are at peace. But be warned – acceptance of their all-knowingness might strike them as uncaring, or indifferent which, as we’ve noted repeatedly, can be worse than disagreeing with them. Tread carefully. Sometimes the best solution is to run….

2 - Those big pregnancy boobs are for looking at – not touching or even commenting on: They’re beautiful and big and bouncy, but apparently they are sensitive and sore and she has eyes.Why aren’t you looking at her eyes, you insensitive, pig-man?

You have no idea how sensitive those bad boys are now that they are growing. It’s the mammary glands inside the boobs that are growing, not just the fat beneath the skin. This means that her breasts are going to be very tender. God forbid you go anywhere near her nipples!

They may be the most wondrous things you have seen since Avatar 3D, but unfortunately, they are very much “look, don’t touch“. Of course, you can’t ignore them completely, as she may take that a bit personally. Once again, you must walk the razor-thin line between being a pig who only thinks about sex (with those things looking as good as they do, who can help it?) and an insensitive jerk who doesn’t find her attractive now that she is (her words), “as big as a whale”. God have mercy on your soul!

3 - They want weird food – and they want it now: You have no idea just how weird their cravings can be. Worse still, they usually don’t even like the food that they are craving, but they just know that they have to have it now or else someone is going to get hurt real bad. Hint: it’s not going to be them!

You are never going to have enough food in your fridge, so make sure your car always has gas and your GPS has a route to the nearest 24-hour convenience store or supermarket. Ice cream is one of those foods to always have in the freezer, but you never know what she’s going to want you to run out and get her.

The truth is that science still doesn’t understand why women crave foods so strongly when they are pregnant. It could have something to do with hormones, but whatever the reason, prepare yourself for some uber-strange combos!

4 - They be dumb: You may think this, but for God’s sake and the sake of your poor, unused testes, DO NOT say it out loud!

There is something called “Baby Brain“, where a woman’s body and mind are focused entirely on the pregnancy and childbirth–to the point that they become forgetful during the final stages of pregnancy, in childbirth, and for the first few months of being a mother.

There are no studies to prove that this is anything more than a myth, but some studies have discovered that women’s memory tends to be impaired during and immediately after a pregnancy. This may be caused by hormones, stress, changes in her body, or sleep deprivation. But, truth be told, there is no proof to this, so don’t under ANY circumstances let her know what you are thinking.

5 - Sex will hurt the baby: A medical fallacy, but there does seem to be some sort of urban legend logic to it that may pop into your head at all the wrong sexual moments. Fight it, but don’t be surprised if the thought persists. Yet don’t try and use this irrational idea as a reason for no sex (See #10). It will just make things worse.

Sex may be off the table for much of the pregnancy, but women usually get pretty horny in the final trimester (it’s all those raging hormones again). If they want you to have sex with them, you’re probably going to be holding back for fear of hurting the baby.

Deep penetration (her on top) is probably off the table later in the pregnancy, but it’s not for fear of poking the baby with your “love muscle“. Instead, you run a risk of hurting your wife. Remember, everything inside her has shifted around to accommodate the baby, so her “runway” may be a bit shorter and tighter than it used to be. Positions where you are resting your weight on her belly are also a no-no, as you may crush the baby.

There are a few instances when you should abstain from having sex. If you have any of the following your doctor will usually tell you to have a dry spell:

– Placenta previa
– A dilated cervix
– An outbreak of genital herpes or feel one coming on— in you or her
– Premature labor
– Cervical insufficiency
– Ruptured membranes (her water has broken)
– Unexplained vaginal bleeding or abnormal discharge
– Other sexually transmitted infections

6 - They will never let you leave the house again: This much is not quite true, butGod forbid you ever try to leave the house when she wants you to stay!

Pregnant women often have designs for your time–taking them to the baby clothing store, massaging their feet, or sitting and watching TV with them.If she has something she thinks you should do, that will be the single most important thing in your life. If it isn’t, she’s going to give you an earful as to why it should be!

You may have to swear off going out with your buddies or having Poker Night until the little one is born. Unless she is the single coolest pregnant woman in the world, you’re going to have very few moments to yourself–much less out of the house!

Forget going out with the buddies or a drink after work. She’s pregnant, so why should you have any fun? She needs you to suffer with her and share every painful, gross and scary moment.

Don’t you dare have fun – or admit to having fun – without her. Guilt is your new reality.

7 - They are beautiful, but for god’s sake don’t tell them that: Pick the wrong moment, and saying “you’re beautiful” will have the opposite effect. They will angrily list off all the reasons they aren’t beautiful. Don’t get sucked into that argument. Disagreeing will only prolong the squabble.

And agreeing with her reasons for not being beautiful will definitely lead to a night on the couch.

Every woman wants to hear that they are beautiful, but how you say it can make or break your day, week, or the rest of your life.

Saying something like “You look gorgeous” is usually a fairly safe bet, but catch her in a bad mood (it’s the hormones, not her), and you could end up sleeping on the couch after a tear-filled lecture on how you’re always trying to have sex with her, you only love her for her body, she looks like a whale, or God knows what else!

Saying something like “You look pretty today” (notice the modifier today) could be just as bad. “What, you think I’m only pretty today? So I’m not always pretty?” Trust me, there is no safe way to answer the question “Do you think I’m beautiful?” Chances are, she’s going to start listing everything that isn’t pretty now that she’s pregnant.

DO NOT get sucked into that black hole of suffering and misery!

8 - They want sex – all the time: Confusing, no? This one is more a rumor than a fact. But it seems to be a belief among some factions of men that pregnant women are hormonally-inclined to want sex all the time – especially in the later stages when the ‘act’ is at the most awkward.

If you are one of those men lucky enough to have a wife whose sex drive is boosted during pregnancy, prepare for some confusing sexual experiences! She’ll go from concerned mother to naughty bedroom temptress back to expecting mother in the space of a few heartbeats. You can expect some slightly awkward sex as you try to maneuver around the massive baby bump.

Under no circumstances are you to reject her advances. Remember that the sex drive boost is the result of her raging hormones, and those hormones can turn from “horny” to “angry” in no time. Her sex drive may rise for a few weeks as her hormones are out of whack, but you’ll find that things will stabilize quickly–or, at the very latest, once the baby is a few months old.

9 - They never want sex again: This one is sometimes true. It is a well-known fact that pregnant women often have lower sex drives during pregnancy. Not only that, sex during a pregnancy can actually be painful. Plus, there’s always the worry that your “happy adult fun bedroom time” will hurt the baby.

Just remember: sex is what got you here in the first place. If she can’t have sex with you, console yourself that this too shall pass. Nine months until delivery, then 40 days until it’s safe to have sex again.

Of course, this is, in itself, a ticking time bomb. If you back off too much in an effort to not pressure her, she may think that you don’t find her attractive. It’s all but impossible for you to find the perfect balance between making her feel that you want sex and accepting that you’re probably not going to have it, but it’s your job to try!

10 - They be crazy: Pregnant women’s hormones make ‘em nuts!

Everyone knows that pregnant women are moody–it’s just their hormones acting out! There are hormonal changes in their bodies, and those changing hormonal levels are affecting their brain chemistry. Neurotransmitters that once made them happy are now sent to the part of the brain that causes the weeping, anger, and paranoia.

Every woman responds to the hormonal changes differently. Some experience heightened emotions–good and bad both–while others tend to be more depressed and anxious. The worst time for moodiness is usually between Weeks 6 and 10. The second trimester will usually be a bit easier, and then the mood swings will hit hard again in the final weeks leading up to the pregnancy.

Walk softly when you are around them – they could strike at any moment. Get them their weird food and walk away. Avoid eye contact. Avoid talking about the outside world. If they cry, don’t tell them everything is alright. They hate that. And if they’re happy, don’t ask why. It’s not their fault that they’re crazy!

11 - They hate us: – at least they will. At some point you are going to be the one‘responsible’ for your pregnant partner’s pain – the puking, odd cravings, destroying their body, and putting this monster inside them. It’s all you. And please don’t try to argue (see #1). Just take it – you did this to her!

In every single movie and TV show where a mother is giving birth to her new baby, you’ll hear her scream obscenities at the father. Nine times out of ten, they will include something along the lines of “this is all your fault!”

Truth is, you had 50% of the responsibility for the creation of the baby, but prepare to take 100% of the blame! Her hormones are going crazy, and she can’t direct her anger at her body or the little bundle of joy inside her. There’s only one other person crazy enough to stand that close to a pregnant woman in the middle of childbirth: you.

She doesn’t actually hate you, but boy is she in a whole world of hurt as she goes through childbirth! Take your punishment like the man you are, and let her yell at you or squeeze your hand until your fingers break. When she finally gives birth and holds the little one in her arms, you’re going to be the “wonderful man who helped her bring this marvelous creation to life”.

12 - They be scary monsters: Be afraid. You are experiencing the plot of a horror movie. Something is growing inside your lovely lady – something that won’t stop growing till it forever changes your life.

The pregnant are possessed – by evil thoughts, cravings, and hormones. They are also irrational ego-monsters – get them what they want so they won’t kill you your sleep!

Men fear very little in life! Perhaps commitment, failure, and vasectomies are the only three things that the average man will admit to being afraid of, but there is a fourth monster that can send a shiver of fear down every man’s spine: their pregnant wife.

Nothing sends terror through a man’s heart like their wife saying “You don’t love me/think I’m pretty because I’m fat/pregnant.” Few men are prepared for the horrifyingly unique cravings their wives will suddenly come up with deep in the night when ALL of the stores are closed, and yet the woman has to have that “oyster chocolate peanut butter orange shake” RIGHT NOW OR ELSE EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE HORRIBLE!”

Yes, men are correct to be scared of their wives during this time of their life. Just buck up and huddle under those covers, whispering to yourself “I will get through this alive.”