ASHLEY Cain did not want let his late baby daughter, Azaylia, see him cry as she battled leukaemia.
The former footballer, 30, and his partner Safiyya Vorajee lost their daughter on April 25, at just eight months old, after a battle with blood cancer.
But now the heartbroken dad has opened up for the first time about his struggles since Azaylia's death and how he had always dreamt of becoming a father.
"Having a child for me was something that I was looking forward to my whole life," he told Fearne Cotton on her Happy Place podcast.
"It all seemed perfect, it was the best day of my life when Azaylia was born but it's even hard talking about it now."
Ashley explained that even though their time with Azaylia was brief, "it was a very, very good, amazing eight months" and getting the news from doctors "was devastating."
"To find out that the best thing that's happened to you is near from being taken away from you is something I can't describe," he said.
The former Love on the Beach star said that Covid restriction meant they could only see Azaylia one at a time in hospital, which was difficult but also meant they could connect more strongly with her.
"To be in that kind of situation without any support is very difficult, especially with the fear of waking up every day and thinking that your baby might not be here with you," Ashley said.
"The craziest thing about it... in a way the fact that it was Covid made it really special because if we were allowed in there together, if our families were allowed to be in there, it would have kind of diluted the kind of time, the experience and the bond that we got to have with our daughter."
He added: "I know for a fact that we couldn't have possibly made more of our time in there with her. I feel like I've known Azaylia for 50, 60 years."
Ashely also made a point of being "120 per cent" whenever he was with her and banned crying in front of the baby.
"Babies can't speak but they're very sensory beings so they pick up on senses probably even more than we do so I went in to the hospital one day and I said to my partner 'look, this isn't about you and me anymore, this is about our beautiful baby, she cannot see us cry'," Ashley revealed.
"I said 'she cannot see us upset she cannot see us having a bad day. When we are in this room this is club 100, we smile, we dance, we play'."
But in the end, it was Azaylia who gave her parents strength through her resilience and joyful disposition.
"The maddest thing is, I thought in the first place we were going to have to be strong for her and it turned out she was the one who gave us her strength, she was the one that made us happy, she was the one that made us brave and she was totally a special, special baby," he told Fearne.
The parents are setting up a foundation in their daughter's name to help other children with cancer.
"These are beautiful, pure, little children who haven't done anything to anybody," he said.
"I have finally found something that means more to me than the air in my lungs: Azaylia's legacy, this foundation, and helping everyone and anyone that I possibly can."
"I just want to do as much good on this earth so I can earn my place while I'm here so I can be with her again forever."
Earlier this month Ashley paid tribute to Azaylia on what would've been her first birthday.
On his Instagram Stories, he wrote: "Going to bed with a heavy heart today as it's my beautiful baby's first birthday tomorrow.
"I could've never imagined things would've turned out this way and it breaks my heart every single day to be without her.
"Azaylia meant everything and more to me and she truthfully not only made my life, but she saved my life.
"She will forever be my baby girl, my angel and my hero and I will always stand by being the best daddy to her I can be."
Last month, The Sun reported how Ashley had a new neck tattoo in dedication to his daughter.
Ashley's new tattoo comes after Safiyya admitted that she is "at breaking point" as she struggles with her loss.
The grieving mum previously opened up on her Instagram Story and told how she has had difficulty coping with her loss.
